in thanks of criticism

I haven't always been good at taking criticism. I probably never will be. My first response, usually, is a mix of defensiveness and fear. Why don't you like my idea? Why is my writing not good enough? Why do you think what I said was incorrect, or insensitive, or mean? And, of course, at the root of it all: Does this mean I'm not as good a person as I thought? Does this mean they don't want to be friends or collaborate with me anymore? For years, my responses were governed by this deep fear. My PhD advisor even told me once (I asked him to be honest) that I seemed... fragile. Like I might break when faced with pushback. And honestly? He was right.

Over the past few years, I've been working at shifting that fragility. Not getting rid of it, but rather side-stepping. Instead of getting down on myself for feeling defensive or scared, I take a moment to sit in that reaction, and then reflect on the truth:

They didn't have to say anything. They could have read my writing, looked at my proposal, watched my talk and had nothing to say about it.

I have to believe that friends, family, and collaborators that care about me and my work (and here I'm not talking about random strangers) only want me to be better. They want to save me from embarrassing missteps, they want to improve my science, they want to share their true feelings. And, additionally, they feel safe to do so.  If people are correcting me, telling me their real feelings, sharing hard truths -- that means that I've cultivated a good relationship and sent the message that "I can accept this".

My new mantra for criticism is a simple "thank you." Thank you for taking the time to correct me or offer advice, thank you for showing me that I am an approachable friend or collaborator, thank you for caring enough to want me to do better. This mantra has done wonders to course-correct that fear into a place of gratitude. From a friend who gave me a laundry list of problems with a trip pitch, to a mentor who asked me to reword some of my writing on this site, if you've given me criticism in the last year, know that I've been saying a silent thank you (and have tried to remember to verbalize this to you as well).

I'm not sure who or what this post is for! Gratitude for criticism has just been on my mind lately, and I guess as I'm reflecting on all that went on in 2024, I'm very thankful that I have friends and collaborators that want me to be better. We are all learning and growing, and isn't that just the point of life?

Thanks for reading.