Honesty

A few years ago, I made a radical decision: I will no longer lie to people about why I am late or have to cancel plans.

No big lies about debilitating illness, no small lies about my cat throwing up. No bus-was-late, no missed-your-email, no coming-down-with-something. Instead, it's "I just lost track of time while coding" and "I really don't have the energy to come into town today", and, possibly the worst, "I'm so sorry that my poor planning has led to this delay."

So what has this cost me? I feel embarrassed. A lot. I've shattered an illusion of "having it all together", and that's a scary thing. I'm only human (a human recently diagnosed with ADHD!) and now I have to face up to that. But this facing up has led to some unexpected outcomes. For one, it feels BAD to lie. You might not notice it if your life is peppered with white lies, but it truly feels icky, and coming clean feels, well, clean. It's hard to explain but telling the truth assuages at least some of the "I can't believe I did this again" anxiety. And, when I really am sick or facing a family crisis, I know that I'm not needlessly pulling on others' heartstrings. 

I've also noticed a change in the people around me. Friends have told me that my policy gives them the space to also own up to low-energy days. Students can see that they're not alone in the chaos, despite my fancy degree and position. I'm sure my delays and rescheduling have been hard on colleagues, but they also know that when they need to admit to not having read a draft yet, they'll find grace in my inbox. If you're reading this, you can expect the same.

Back in September, I signed up to display some photographs at a local salon. I had until January 5 to order prints and frames. I'm sure you, like September!Maggie, can see what's coming... I did indeed order the photos on December 31, expected 48 hours shipping... and of course they haven't arrived yet. It's the holidays, and these things happen. I should have done this in, I don't know, October? Given myself some buffer time??

It would be so, so easy to email the salon tomorrow morning complaining of the flu. It's going around, oh of course you poor thing, thanks for thinking of our clients, let's reschedule to Wednesday. I almost did it. But, alas. I guess I have principles. And at least I feel clean. Minus the egg on my face.